Ever wondered how Santa’s sleigh works? Well, it’s a little-known fact, but while Santa’s sleigh has traditionally been pulled by his trusty reindeer, in recent years he’s been given a tune-up courtesy of NASA.
Allowing him to make it round to the growing number of children, it’s crammed full of advanced kit, like an antimatter propulsion unit powered by stardust that was part-engineered by the space agency.
Unfortunately, the super high-powered unit needs clear weather for Santa to be able to take off, or else he risks becoming destabilised.
In the past week or so, the UK has been stricken by Storm Desmond, which brought wet weather and gale-force winds to the country: exactly the sort of predicament that could prevent a flight.
So if Santa had to make his deliveries in, say, a car, what would he pick and why? After all, magic reindeer are all well and good, but sometimes Rudolf might need just a little extra horsepower...
Vauxhall VXR Maloo
On the surface, something like a high-performance pickup truck might be perfect. With a large load space in the rear, it’s perfect for lugging lots of presents around, while a large engine gives plenty of power to get Santa around the world in good time.
Take Vauxhall’s VXR Maloo, essentially a pickup version of Australia’s premier steel bicep, the Vauxhall VXR8 GTS. Created specifically for the Aussies, the Maloo has nonetheless been known to make a cameo appearance in the UK now and again.
Powered by an absolutely monstrous 6.2-litre V8, the Maloo generates 425bhp with 550Nm of torque, enough to propel you to 62mph faster than you can say “jingle bells”.
A 1,208-litre covered load bay gives plenty of storage space but many estates have larger boots, and while pickups might be perfect for smashing through a zombie invasion, for delivering presents there are much better options.
For one thing, it’s extremely heavy on fuel, much too large for small roads and not that fast in comparison with many other regular options. Aside from that, but the VXR Maloo is just a little too ridiculous, even for a man in a red suit with a team of flying reindeer.
Christmas rating:
SEAT Leon ST
The first-ever estate version of the popular Leon, the Leon ST launched last year alongside the updated SC sports coupe version.
Longer and with more interior space than its smaller counterpart, SEAT promises that the ST has the best mix of good looks, practicality and performance all wrapped in one neat little package. Whether or not it comes with a bow on top is as yet unconfirmed.
Standard features include full LED headlights, perfect for seeing through fog when even Rudolf’s nose can’t cut it, plus optional roof rails for extra present storage space.
Billed by SEAT as “surprisingly spacious”, the main appeal of the ST over the rest of the range is naturally its space and storage capacity.
It’s big enough to seat five adults (or a whole bunch of elves!), the ST estate has a maximum boot capacity of a whopping 1,470 litres, perfect for cramming all those Christmas gifts in.
Sat-nav, handy for navigating across the globe, doesn’t come standard in the ST, so it loses some points there, but Santa could always add on the optional Technology Pack, which adds a 5.8-inch navigation system and digital DAB radio so he can sing to all his favourite Christmas tunes.
Engines include a 1.8-litre petrol that can take the ST from 0-62mph in an impressive 7.8 seconds. It’s not supercar quick, but it can still shift pretty well. Sprinkle on a little elf magic to tweak the performance and Saint Nick could be on to a real winner. It even comes in red!
Christmas rating:
Jaguar XF Sportbrake
It’s another estate, but that’s no bad thing; Jaguar’s XF Sportbrake has been a success among both critics and buyers alike since its release all the way back in 2011.
Crucially, it was named the best car in its class for three years running by the Tow Car Club, meaning that it’s no slouch when it comes to tugging things like caravans, trailers or oh, we don’t know, sleighs full of presents…?
It might be a little pricier than some other options, but it comes packed with standard equipment like bi-xenon headlamps and LED daytime running lights for extra visibility, plus DAB digital radio and a seven-inch touchscreen infotainment system right off the bat.
Boot space is larger than the Leon ST, with a maximum capacity of 1,675 litres, though its towing prowess really is the icing on the Christmas cake. As a result, Santa can pull more gifts behind him than he might otherwise be able to cram inside the car.
Sharing powertrains with the XF saloon, the Sportbrake comes with a range-topping 3.0-litre diesel V6 option. Able to make the 62mph benchmark sprint in just 6.1 seconds, it features fuel economy of 46 mpg and 163g/km of CO2.
Sure, it’s not the cleanest running of the bunch, but it’s plenty fast, while Tow Car claimed that it had “stability at speed that’s as good as it gets”. Good news, then, for a man who’s in more of a rush than virtually anybody else on the face of the earth!
A great all-rounder, the XF Sportbrake is also luxurious, though this is reflected in the price, which starts from £31,940. Still, for somebody as prolifically busy as Santa, it would easily pay for itself within a year or two, and should provide a decent backup for many years of gift-giving to come.
Christmas rating:
Porsche 911 Turbo S
Ho ho ho-ly cow, this is one high-performance sleigh we’d love to take a ride in!
Essentially the polar (pun intended) opposite to the VXR Maloo, which looks like the perfect option on paper, the Porsche 911 Turbo is probably one of the most unlikely candidates when it comes to a car for Santa.
But think about what Saint Nick really needs. Speed is obviously one of the most important things; he does have to get around the entire world in one night, after all. Fuel efficiency is probably also important, as Santa no doubt has enough financial difficulties after having to manufacture toys for every kid on earth.
Likewise, a GPS or sat-nav is handy so he knows where he’s going, and of course a decent sized boot is preferable to hold all those gifts.
Enter the new Porsche 911 Turbo S, officially the fastest 911 on earth and now even faster courtesy of new variable-turbine turbochargers. Fast enough to zip to 62mph in 2.9 seconds, if you wanted to go any faster you’d be looking at rocket sleds.
Here’s the thing, though. While top speed clocks in at 205mph, the Turbo range is now more efficient than ever, and is able to return up to 31mpg, a hugely impressive figure considering the sheer power on offer.
Sat-nav? Well, that’s standard, along with Apple’s CarPlay feature, side-mounted airblades to improve aerodynamic efficiency and front LED lights to slice through bad weather like a hot knife through a yule log.
It’s also a lot more practical than many other cars of its ilk, something which has been a major selling point for the 911 since its inception. Roomy inside and with a surprisingly usable boot in the car’s nose, it’s more like a GT car than an out-and-out supercar.
Sure, it’s expensive, while the elves might need to work a little extra magic to fit all those presents inside, but if you only take a trip out once a year, why not do it in the absolute best way possible? We just hope Santa’s got a spare one to leave in our driveway this Christmas…
Christmas rating:
